Scrap that...Take 2

At this point I think I've made some progress on my quest to complete my Form 2 (and 1). As my previous idea was scrapped, I've now moved to another area for investigation. I will elaborate once I have my sponsor. Until then, lets hope that I don't need to scrap this one.

Things to Say and Do Guaranteed to Spice up Your Dissertation Defense

1. Begin the defense by charging a cover and checking for ID.
2. Charge a two-drink minimum.
3. Begin with "Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the singing of our National Anthem."
4. Follow that with a joke that starts with "Which reminds me of a story - A Black guy, a Chinese guy, and a Jew walked into a bar..."
5. Bring coffee and charge 25 cents a cup.
6. "Charge the mound" when a professor beans you with a high fast question.
7. Describe parts of your dissertation using interpretive dance.
8. Lead your committee members in a Wave.
9. Break the tension at appropriate moments with a sing-a-long.
10. Answer tough queries with "You call THAT a question? How'd you ever get to be a professor?"
11. Have bodyguards outside the room to discourage attendance of certain professors.
12. Present your defense using puppets.
13. Before you begin your presentation, sell T-shirts to recoup the cost of copying, binding, etc.
14. In addition, pass a collection basket.
15. Answer complex issues in mime.
16. Use the ocassion to hold a Tupperware party.
17. Have bikini-clad models in charge of changing your overheads.
18. At approximately the mid-point of your defense bring out maracas and shout "Everybody rumba!!"
19. Explain nonsignificant findings with "It would have worked if it weren't for those f*%ing kids."
20. Refuse to answer tough questions "in protest of our government's systematic and brutal opression of minorities."
21. Offer door prizes and conduct a raffle.
22. Ask professors to "Please phrase your question in the form of an answer."
23. Interrupt every 15 minutes with the announcement "And now, a word from our sponsor."
24. Present critical parts of your defense in iambic pentameter.
25. In your announcement, inform your committee that it will be a black tie affair.
26. Hire the Goodyear Blimp to circle the building.
27. Announce to your committee that "There will be a short quiz after my presentation."
28. Bring your pet boa.
29. Bring snacks and start a food fight.
30. Slap your committee chair with a glove and challenge him to a duel.
31. Arrange for a halftime show.
32. Bring a big foam hand that says "I'm #1."
33. Pass out souvenier matchbooks.
34. Hang a pinata over the table and hire a strolling mariachi band.
35. Make each professor remove an item of clothing for each question asked.
36. Use a Greek Chorus to highlight important points.
37. When necessary, say "I'm sorry Professor Smith, I didn't say 'SIMON SAYS any questions?'. You're out."
38. Dress in top hat and tails.
39. Hold a pre-defense pep rally, complete with cheerleaders, pep band, and a bonfire.
40. If you sense that things are not going well, threaten to detonate a small nuclear device in the room.
41. Show slides of your last vacation.
42. Put your overheads on a film strip. Designate a professor to be in charge of turning the strip when the tape recording beeps.
43. If members of the committee begin to argue among themselves announce: "OK, everybody - heads down on the desk until you show me you can behave."
44. When in trouble, begin speaking in tongues.
45. Answer every question with a question.
46. Hand out 3-D glasses.
47. Announce credits at the end. Include a "key grip" and a "best boy."
48. Make a practice of replying, "Sure, I could answer that, but then I'd have to kill you."
49. Ask a friend and conspirator to attend and ask the first question. Draw a blank-loaded gun and "shoot" him. Have him make a great scene of dying. Be sure to include fake blood. Turn to your committee and ask "Other questions?"
50. Wear clown makeup, a clown wig, clown shoes, a clown nose, and nothing else.
51. Install "APPLAUSE" and "LAUGHTER" signs.
52. Use a TelePromTer
53. Alter the clocks in the room and begin your defense 15 minutes before anyone arrives.

Old School...

Almost 18 years ago to the day, I sat in room 240 at the end of the hall in P.S. 272 on Seaview Ave in Canarsie. We were instructed to write if-then statements (not explained to 1st graders using those exact words). However, I find this page from my 1st grade composition book humorous for a few reasons.

1. This assignment seemed relatively difficult to me. I always found it hard to write freely. I did so when it was assigned, but didn't enjoy it. At the age of 6, I had already learned this simple truth.
2. All of the if-then statements I wrote down, I came to learn in the next 18 years of my life through trial and error. If I was so intuitive in 1st grade, why did I have to learn these life lessons experientially; the hard way?
   

On my walk toward my school psychology externship this morning, I found myself reminiscing about mornings watching Conan the Adventurer cartoons, eating Apple Cinnamon Cheerios, and getting dressed in clothes that my mommy picked out for me. While at the time, I didn't always enjoy it, somehow, today, it seemed like something that would've been enjoyable.

P.S.- Happy Birthday Mom...thanks for the continue support.

Topic?

At this early point in the process, I still feel a sense of competition. [Almost] all of us are on the same page; brainstorming, researching, in hopes of finding a topic. Therefore, I'm still not sure whether I should make my "topic" known yet or keep it to myself; like an investor who's got a hot stock tip. For now, I'll leave it at "I neither confirm nor deny that I have a topic for my dissertation."

Back to Old Habits

As in all times of stress, I turn to coping strategies that have worked for me in the past. First option: Gym. Since college this has been the activity of choice to relieve stress. It's physical, I can grunt, or even yell. I can feel like I'm actually causing some pain to whatever it is that's leading to my anxiety. I need total concentration, thus, my mind isn't free to ruminate. The rush of endorphins makes me feel like nothing can touch me. For about 15 minutes. Then I get tired. I stink. And I crash. While lifting weights is something that I still love, I find that it doesn't help as much as it used to in coping with stress.

Stuck in a quandary, I'm forced to find something else. While seeing a good friend this weekend, I started listening to some music by one of my friends who I pledged with in college [Ido Zmishlany of Last Week (Now solo artist of Lion of Ido). Great stuff, definitely check it out]. In addition to stirring up some old memories from college, it also inspired me to start playing again. For those that don't know, I play the guitar, bass guitar, and played the upright bass in a classical orchestra in junior high, as well as a jazz band in high school. Somewhere in college, it took the back burner and continued to do so in grad school. I think I'm lucky to have been seeing this friend over the weekend because if I didn't I may not have realized that I had another way to tackle my stress.

So in addition to becoming more driven and focused on my research, I've now turned to an old hobby (and talent) of mine. That's two positive consequences of the dissertation process so far.

From Pics for Blog

From Pics for Blog

Calculator

I found this gadget a while ago. By putting in a dissertation start date, and target end date, it calculates numerous deadlines throughout the process (with explanations of each). Obviously since it comes from another university, and doesn't adhere to Hofstra's deadlines, it won't yield the same results. However, it was kind of interesting to see at what points I should be depending on my start and projected end date. If anyone would like to check it out, click HERE.

Class of...

Dissertation Initiation

"It's just another research project."
-Dr. Mitchell Schare

And so after two and a half years of anxiety, dread, and many other gut-wrenching emotions, it is finally here; my dissertation. I sit in my Dissertation Seminar class waiting for Dr. Schare to walk in, expecting humor, sarcasm, and other comments intended to temporarily increase our anxiety and expose us to this word which many of us have forced out of our vocabulary. As he arrives, he puts down a stack of bound, blue books. We all know what they are, yet he puts them face down, as if it's a secret; as if it's THE final exam that we've been preparing for. It's like expecting to eat a great meal. You think that you're meal is going to be delicious and your experience, wonderful, but when you get there, you find that you salivate when merely looking at the menu. Except in this case, I anticipate your experience is going to be "awful" and my anxiety shoots through the roof as I look at the manual entitled "PROCEDURES TO BE FOLLOWED FOR THE PH.D. DISSERTATION, Spring 2009. The title in caps almost foreshadows the intensity of this impending task. The small M.C. Escher illustration below it makes it seem as though the faculty felt empathetic and figured they'd give us something artistic to imply that this may, in fact, at times be enjoyable. (Or it may be false hope.)

I can feel the surge of anxiety in the room. Silence is filled with deep breaths and sighs. Fists are on chins, heads are in hands, and eyes are focused intently upon Dr. Schare, as though he's a judge about to deliver our sentences.

"And the name of this course is...Michael?"

I hide my anxiety and attempt to reply calmly, "Dissertation Seminar". To which I am sarcastically corrected with a snicker; it is referred to as "Dissertation Initiation". Is there a secret which we are unaware of? Is there some confidential ritual in which we must partake?

No, I believe that this is a rite of passage. Obviously it is a requirement which must be fulfilled to attain a Ph.D. However, it is not just another research project. Of course there will be hardships during this process. There will be obstacles which we must overcome, not only in our research but in other areas of life which may be affected by our constant attention to our dissertation and change in priorities. But, I do believe that this is a final exam. In addition to academic knowledge and clinical skill, it will test our work ethic, perseverance, resilience, and many other attributes of our character. Although this may be one of my most dreaded tasks, it may turn out to be one of my greatest accomplishments; one which will help me learn a great deal about the student, researcher, psychologist, and person that I am. My denial is gone, I've accepted the task, and welcome it.