Dissertation Initiation

"It's just another research project."
-Dr. Mitchell Schare

And so after two and a half years of anxiety, dread, and many other gut-wrenching emotions, it is finally here; my dissertation. I sit in my Dissertation Seminar class waiting for Dr. Schare to walk in, expecting humor, sarcasm, and other comments intended to temporarily increase our anxiety and expose us to this word which many of us have forced out of our vocabulary. As he arrives, he puts down a stack of bound, blue books. We all know what they are, yet he puts them face down, as if it's a secret; as if it's THE final exam that we've been preparing for. It's like expecting to eat a great meal. You think that you're meal is going to be delicious and your experience, wonderful, but when you get there, you find that you salivate when merely looking at the menu. Except in this case, I anticipate your experience is going to be "awful" and my anxiety shoots through the roof as I look at the manual entitled "PROCEDURES TO BE FOLLOWED FOR THE PH.D. DISSERTATION, Spring 2009. The title in caps almost foreshadows the intensity of this impending task. The small M.C. Escher illustration below it makes it seem as though the faculty felt empathetic and figured they'd give us something artistic to imply that this may, in fact, at times be enjoyable. (Or it may be false hope.)

I can feel the surge of anxiety in the room. Silence is filled with deep breaths and sighs. Fists are on chins, heads are in hands, and eyes are focused intently upon Dr. Schare, as though he's a judge about to deliver our sentences.

"And the name of this course is...Michael?"

I hide my anxiety and attempt to reply calmly, "Dissertation Seminar". To which I am sarcastically corrected with a snicker; it is referred to as "Dissertation Initiation". Is there a secret which we are unaware of? Is there some confidential ritual in which we must partake?

No, I believe that this is a rite of passage. Obviously it is a requirement which must be fulfilled to attain a Ph.D. However, it is not just another research project. Of course there will be hardships during this process. There will be obstacles which we must overcome, not only in our research but in other areas of life which may be affected by our constant attention to our dissertation and change in priorities. But, I do believe that this is a final exam. In addition to academic knowledge and clinical skill, it will test our work ethic, perseverance, resilience, and many other attributes of our character. Although this may be one of my most dreaded tasks, it may turn out to be one of my greatest accomplishments; one which will help me learn a great deal about the student, researcher, psychologist, and person that I am. My denial is gone, I've accepted the task, and welcome it.